Confessions of a Fanpire

      Disclaimer: Emmett told me that if I don't say this that he will eat my dog. *Sob* I do not *sob* own *sob* Twilight. *sobs hopelessly, ruining keyboard*
"There! Happy now Emmett!?!" Emmett grins evilly with blood dripping down his chin.
"No! FLUFFY!!!"
     
     A/N: I had a fantastic time writing this crazy little one shot crack fic. I came up with this at 2:00 A.M. with my friends. I think we were joking about the time that I jumped off a cliff (Yes! I actually have!!!) and were thinking 'What if the Cullens were there?' So I, the hilarious actress, was acting out the part where Isa is attempting to jump off the cliff. My friends, as usual, thought it was absolutely hysterical! So before sleeping, I got on my laptop and wrote some of this. I absolutely ADORE this and I still can't believe that I actually wrote it. So I hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it!
      (Oh by the way, Isa is pronounced Ee-suh. Think about how Aro pronounces Isabella.)



Confessions of a Teenage Fanpire/ Twilight Freak In Forks


      New Character POV


      Isa's alarm clock buzzed loudly. "Palazzo dei Priori." She mumbled, half asleep. She  cracked her eyes and yawned as she tried to wake up. She squinted her eyes open and saw a giant poster of Robert Pattinson on the ceiling.

       "Morning, Eddie." She said in a sing-song voice and grinned.

       Edward watches me sleep. She thought, content.

        She shuffled over to her giant poster of Taylor Lautner to discuss her plans for today. "I want to do something FUN today, Jacob. Let's go ride motorcycles!" She waited politely for a response. "Fine. If you're just gonna sit at home and do nothing, I'll go find something to do…I know!" She had a sudden burst of inspiration. "I'm going to Forks. I'm gonna find Edward!!" She decided. "Don't give me that look. I will find them no matter what. I know how. I know I can do it." With that she stomped to her closet to pick out an outfit.

     She stared at her Twilight filled closet and ran her fingers through her brown and carefully red streaked hair. She settled with a black Team Edward shirt, skinny jeans, her Cullen crest chain necklace, Bella's charm bracelet (complete with carved wolf charm and crystal heart), and doodled on converse. She admired the Twilight quotes and inside jokes that were written on every possible space on her converse.  After putting in her gold-colored contacts, she brushed on some glittery pale make-up and generously sprayed some freesia scented perfume. She had to make sure that her scent would attract Edward.

      After a quick breakfast of cereal, she grabbed an umbrella and a raincoat. She lived in Seattle so, of course, it was raining. She ran to her silver Volvo S60R, because she knew that her red 1953 Chevy Pickup would not be able to handle the hour or so long drive that would take her to Forks.

     As she drove to Forks, she began planning how she would be able to draw the Cullens to her.

Alice's POV

        I was laughing with Emmett and Edward when I got a strange vision. Some girl was trying to find us. Of all the many Twilight freaks in the world, none had ever been smart enough to come find us themselves. She was planning to….no, who would even try that?

        "What is it, Alice?" Edward asked me with a concerned look. I busted out laughing.

        "What the…?" He said.

        "There's this freak… A Twilight freak… Wait until you see what she is planning!" I tried to say between laughs.  Edward concentrated on my incoherent surprised thoughts, trying to pick out my vision.  

        "What? What, what, what, what, what?" Emmett chanted like 3rd grader. I rolled my eyes at him which seemed to make him even more upset. "I haaaaaate it when you do that psychic-mind-reading thing! Teeeeeell meeeeee!" He wined.

        I tried to calmly explain it to him without getting frustrated. "Ok. Ok. Don't wet your pants! A weirdo Twilight freak wants to try and capture us. She thinks she can lead us to her. She's trying to plan quickly so that I won't figure it out. She's trying to trick Edward into coming to her." By the end of the explanation I was laughing. All this media was annoying sometimes, but its fun to hear the screaming fan girls. Bella and Jacob wrote a series about our life under the pen name Stephenie Meyer with a photo shopped picture of Bella. Recently Edward tried to write his own book in his point of view but Emmett, idiot, posted it on the internet.

         Emmett's eyes lit up with the idea of something new. "Let's mess with her head." He grinned. This could be fun.  I was jumping up and down with excitement. Bella wouldn't approve of this, but she, Renesmee, Jacob, Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie were out hunting. I went down stairs and brought Jasper up to speed. Then, we all headed to the cliffs.


Isa's POV

      I started to go to the cliffs that Bella jumped off in New Moon, but I remembered that the Cullen's couldn't cross the La Push border. I went to the only cliffs that were not in La Push, going out of my way to drive by Charlie's old house.

      I grimaced as I remembered my argument with the owners. Charlie had died many years ago, and the new owners didn't even realize where they lived. I had calmly advised them to move out immediately. But they wouldn't! After a few threats, they had called the police and had a restraining order filed. It was ridiculous! I already have five restraining orders against me! My first was when I was in middle school and I launched myself at a kid and attacked him because he said that Twilight was stupid and has no real plot. He ended up in the hospital with a broken wrist, and his mom filed a restraining order.

      Finally I arrived at the cliffs. I was seriously determined to find the Cullen's. If this doesn't work I won't be able to show my face in public ever again. I posted on my Facebook page that I was looking for the Cullens. Who knows how many mean comments would be made about it? I would probably attack someone again. My psychiatrist said that I should try to forget about Twilight. I fired her because if I heard 'How do you feeeeel about that?" one more time, I would explode. But first, I held her hostage and read the entire series aloud to her. She denied that she likes Twilight, but I saw her going to see Eclipse at midnight.  She's obsessed now too, we all are.



Jasper's POV

     I felt Alice's excitement growing as we ran towards the cliffs. By the time we reached the woods near the cliffs, I was having trouble not jumping up and down from the effect of Alice's enthusiasm.

     "50 bucks says she's not actually going to jump off the cliff." I declared to Emmett.

     "I say she will. She sounds pretty obsessive to me." He said.

     "You're on." Emmett declared and we shook hands. "Oh, you're SO one! You're on like white on rice! Like mud on a pig! Like fangs on a VAMPIRE!"

       "We don't have fangs you idiot!" Alice snapped at Emmett.

       "Yeah well!…MIDGET!" Emmett countered, not being able to come up with a good comeback.

     "I agree with Jasper." Edward added, changing the subject.  "She's a real psycho. She'll definitely jump off that cliff just for a glimpse of us." That gave me an idea. Edward's face lit up as he overheard my thoughts.

     Looking through the trees, we could see the Twilighter glancing over the edge of the cliff and quickly stepping back. She looked reluctant. She put on a determined face and stepped bravely back up to the edge.

      "OKAAAAY." She said loudly and overdramatically. "I'm gonna jump off this CLIFF now." I struggled to hold in my laughter. "Don't anybody try and STOP ME!" She daringly held one shaking foot over the edge of the cliff. "Hey Edward. It's me, BELLA! I'm gonna jump off a cliff! I know you're out there. Somewhere. And I'm gonna jump off the cliff RIGHT NOW!" She waited on the edge of the cliff, looking frustrated and stomping her feet. "I mean it…Don't try. Cuz I'll do it anyway. It could be VERY DANGEROUS. So if you're out there, I might need saving! 'Cuz I could DIE!!…DIE!!!… I'm gonna jump now….10...9...8..."

       "Hey, where did Edward go?" Emmett asked suspiciously. I shushed him.

       "Are you sure about this? It's kind of mean." Alice asked nervously.

       "Well is she going to have a heart attack or drown or something?" I asked.

       Alice focused on the future, trying to find any consequences. "It's hard to see, since we're surprising her. But probably not."

        "Good. Then stop wining, little goody-goody." Emmett teased her. That jerk. He thinks he can tease Alice, but he's the one who's always wining.

        "7.……. 6.………. 5...………..4.……….I'm serious! I'm gonna do it!! I'm gonna jump!" The girl shouted., sounding reluctant. I began to creep out of the woods. I tip-toed up behind the girl.

        "No no no! Don't stop her! …I wanna see this! I'm betting on this! That's cheating!" Emmett called after me. I shushed him one more time and continued.

        Alice quietly sang a song from one of her favorite bands. "And before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff. And in the free fall I will realize I'm better off when I hit the bottom." It was "Turn It Off" by Paramore. I sighed as I was struck again by how much I love her and her sweet voice. It had been decades, but I was still whipped. I guess I always will be. I had to snap back to what was going on when I heard the girl counting still.

        "3.…………………. 2.……………………...." Now she sounded disappointed as she leaned over the edge of the cliff, eyeing the bottom and wincing. She would probably start dividing into fractions if nothing happened.

        "BOO!!!" I screamed in her ears. She shrieked and whipped around to stare at me. You could see the recognition on her face as she fell backwards off the cliff. She was stunned and happy beyond belief. You could see the pure joy as she tumbled down towards the blue-gray water that crashed against the rocks. I knew she would be fine, if Edward didn't give her a heart attack.

         "I was right." She muttered, falling. "Jackson Rathbone's hair is ALL wrong!"



Edward's POV

     I chuckled as I swam quickly and quietly through the murky water. Jasper is a genius. He has great military strategies, but when it comes to pranks he is cunning. This would  probably be our best one yet.

      It took me seconds to swim all the way down the coast, man do I love vamp speed. I dived deeper under the water, all the way to the bottom. Emmett was reminded of New Moon when he heard that Isa would jump off of cliff. We went to see the New Moon movie when it came out. Of course, we made sure that we were the only ones in the theatre. Who knows what would happen if a large group of fan girls discovered us? I could already imagine the swarms of screaming girls attacking us. Despite the fact that we're vampires, I doubt we would survive.

     It was hilarious to see actors portray us, but it pained me greatly to see Kristen Stewart's agony when Robert Pattinson left her. I could not watch it knowing that I had done that to Bella, only worse.  When Bella jumped off the cliff, she had seen me in the water. We knew that is exactly what Isa would be thinking about right now. So we were going to recreate that.

     Isa then splashed down into the water, flailing. Just as she came up for air, a huge crashing wave pushed her down under the briny water and she smashed into the cliff wall. I floated upside-down through the water past her. "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Swimming, swimming." I sang to her with a perfect Dory from Finding Nemo impersonation. Or…imfishonation, I guess.

     As she floated down through the dark abyss she saw me and screamed. Her scream wasn't just an "AAAAAAAAH!," it was more like an "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" If she had been above water I'm sure she would have hyperventilated. Her screams finally subsided and she passed out, both were probably the results of lack of air. I dragged her to shore and sent Jasper to resuscitate her.



Jasper's POV

     After the girl coughed up a torrent, I sat back and said, "Are you alright, ma'am?"
     "JASPER???" She screeched. It would have been a squeal if her voice wasn't so hoarse.

      I put on a confused look and allowed my Texan drawl to come back. "Umm…no. I reckon your confusing me with someone else, ma'am. I'm Hunter. Pleased to meet you."

      "No! You're JASPER! From TWILIGHT!!!" She screamed.

      "What's Twilight?" I said before I disappeared. Well, I didn't really disappear; I just ran off like a vampire. But to her it would seem as if I had vanished in a gust of wind. She just sat there gaping, opening, and closing her mouth like a stupid fish. After a few minutes she groaned with frustration and laid back in the sand, covering her face with her hands.

      "Now!" I yelled to Edward with my mind. "Let the games begin." He obviously heard me, because I saw him appear crouching over the frustrated girl.

       "Isabella." Edward whispered sultrily in her ear, obviously trying his best to make his voice sound as alluring as possible and blowing ice cold-- no, VAMPIRE cold-- air over the hands that covered her face.

       She leaped to her unstable feet and collapsed. Seeing Edward, she fainted.

       After Emmett carried her to our house (any of us could have carried her easily, but Emmett felt that he wasn't in on any of the fun,)

       We stared at her unconscious body lying on the couch for all of thirty seconds before Emmett became impatient and kicked the sofa halfway across the living room. I had a sudden idea and sent a surge of love for the girl into Edward's body. He leapt at Emmett, snarls ripping through his teeth. Oops! I didn't think about Edward's extreme protectiveness! I instantly calmed him and he glared at me as his head cleared.

       Back to the business at hand, Edward turned to Isa and traced his nose along her jaw and laid his forehead on hers. "Wake up, my love." He practically purred. Edward truly is an amazing actor. Her eyes flew open just as he "disappeared." Her arms flailed wildly through the air as she searched for him and she fell off the couch.

       Suddenly, Emmett appeared behind her, his laughter booming through the house. She stiffened at the sound and I felt her fear. Obviously my largest brother isn't her favorite. "Well aren't we a bit clumsy?" Emmett boomed and, grimacing, she slowly turned to find him nowhere in sight. "Right here!" He shouted from behind her. She whipped around to face him, screaming. "Rawr!" He whispered in her face, hunching his shoulders so that he was in front of her face and making a little pouncing motion with his hands right before he disappeared again.

        Isa's jaw just dropped, having no idea what to do. Alice and I shook with laughter as we watched her reactions from the kitchen. "Hello." Edward purred in her ear as he playfully  pretended to bite her neck. She shivered and threw herself dramatically backward with the back of her hand on her forhead, obviously hoping that Edward would catch her.

       "Silly Isa." Alice giggled as she caught the very surprised girl who screeched in reply. The girl's eyes were half mad as she spun in circles trying to catch them.

      She was slumping back onto the couch in defeat when she recognized Carlisle's cross next to the staircase. She ran to it, squealing. Then she saw the collection of graduation caps and squealed again. Goodness! This girl sounds like a stuck pig! She stared up the stairs, practically hyperventilating, probably having just realized that Edward's bedroom was upstairs.

       I ran out the back door silently and came around to the front door less than a second later. I knocked hesitantly on the door, putting on my best concerned-neighbor look. "Is everything okay?" I asked, shouting through the door. Isa ran to door and almost wrenched it from its hinges. Not that she could have. "I heard someone screaming…" I trailed warily. Then she threw herself out the door like a starved cannibal that just saw its first meal in weeks. I ran, stumbling at human speed and staring over my shoulder in horrified confusion. Just as I got to the edge of the front yard I kicked it into vamp speed, disappearing.

    When I got back into the house with Alice and Emmet, I saw Bella outside the window, obviously having JUST arrived, staring in disbelief at Edward and Isa. I watched Edward plant kiss after kiss on the back of Isa's neck. "Come back in the house, Love. It's chilly outside." He said sultrily. She stood completely still, realizing that if she moved he would take off again.

        Bella, literally, ripped the door off as she walked into the house calmly glaring. But I could feel the extremely intense jealousy and rage rolling off of her in waves; not even I could calm her. "GET. AWAY. FROM. MY. HUSBAND!" She shrieked. Edward and Isa whipped around at the sound of her voice, and Emmett and I ran to hold Bella back. As a still fairly new vampire, she wouldn't be able to control herself, much like a werewolf.
       
        Edward advanced slowly towards his jealous wife with his hands in front of him in surrender. "Honey," He said carefully. "It's not what it looks like. Please calm down. I can explain. But not right now, another time." Bella was shaking with wrath, but she calmed slightly with the combined powers of my abilities and Edward's voice.

         Then, Edward whipped around to face the door and the rest of my family followed suit; Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme, Renesmee, and Jacob just came into the house, shocked. Opening the door to the house was the entire Volturi Guard, led by Aro. We all stiffened in defensive shock and gathered in a group in the living room. Renesmee was in the back, protected by Jacob with Rosalie, Esme and Alice. Then, Emmett and I held Bella still. . And then Carlisle and Edward stood at the front of us, the usual leaders.
          
        "What is your business here, Aro?" Carlisle asked, confusion clear on his face.

          "Greetings, friend!" Aro cheered with false enthusiasm, throwing out his ancient arms to hug Carlisle, who stood unmoving. Aro cleared his throat and let his arms fall. "I am sorry that we again meet with grim news. This young human who has come to find you is sentenced to die."

"That reminds me, I've only just arrived." Carlisle said turning to Edward. "Can you explain to me what is going on here?"

"Isabella came to Forks intending to find my family. She is an avid Twilight fanatic, also called a fanpire. She is aware of our secret, but I don't believe she deserves to die because of this." Edward explained.

"She could join our family." Carlisle suggested, and Bella hissed in response. Obviously she doesn't approve of that idea. But the men ignored her outburst and continued.

"I am very sorry, Carlisle. But that is simply too big of a risk. She knows too much and has publicly expressed her knowledge. The Volturi does NOT make exceptions. She is going to have to be disposed of." Aro apologized with false sympathy.

"Aro, no!" Alec argued. We all turned to see Alec and Isa staring dreamily into each other's eyes. Jane watching in utter disbelief. "I don't think she's going to be much trouble. And I'm not going to let her die, Aro. I think… I think I'm in love with her!"

Aro's jaw dropped. "WHAT. THE. FANG???"


A/N: I'm sorry about this, but now that you have read it you must review! If you don't, Emmett will eat your dog. (Or cat. Or little sibling. Or homework or something.) So just go ahead and review!!

      I wanted to post this on August 13 because that's Edward and Bella's anniversary, but that's my first day of school so… I don't think I can. Maybe I will. But that means it will have to sit and wait in my computer for a little over two weeks so I might get impatient… (HOLY CROW! I only have a little over two weeks left of summer!!! 0_0 )

      Okay so anyway never mind I couldn't wait so go and REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!!! You better! The fate of your dog, or cat, or little sibling, or homework or something is in YOUR HANDS! Remember that!

        Peace out!!

          ~Eddysgirl4eva